Research: Got Friends and You Got Health (sorry loners) Happy #MakeAFriendDAY

You've probably heard the Propaganda Fake News© that people with friends tend to be happier. What about the Wacko Theory© that when you have friends you're also PHYSICALLY HEALTHIER!? That's Coocoo Bananas© right?
Turns out it's true and the lousy stinkin' scientists have the research to back it all up: "Friendship literally improves your body’s cardiovascular functioning, how your immune system works, how you sleep" 

So some of us have got to get cracking on this "making friends" deal. After carefully observing a bunch of the higher-ups here at the company, we now present "Tips for making friends based on the people I work with who are very successful and I look up to:"
--1) Talk about yourself a lot to everybody. When not talking about yourself, talk about your kids. Make it seem like you're responsible for all your child's success.
--2) When someone seems to be making a good point or winning an argument, talk louder. Try not to stop for air. If you hyperventilate and pass out, all the attention will be refocused onto you.
--3) starting at 9am Monday, and until Wednesday at 3:30p, talk about how great your weekend was. Be sure to include humorous stories about drinking, or spending a lot of money, or how crazy/organized/productive you were. *Note: after Wednesday at 3:30p, begin foreshadowing your insane upcoming weekend.
--4) Axe Deodorant Spray
--5) Walk that fine line between "Super-Woke Environmental Crusader" and "I Park WHERE I want, HOW I want, because my vehicle is big and expensive" 

^Healthy People

If you still need help, perhaps you should try getting a Personality Implant. Those things aint cheap!
Or you could always turn to Youtube.

^Try Harder

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