Today my son asked "Can I have a bookmark?" and I burst into tears... 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian!
I broke my finger today
But on the other hand I'm fine
When I found out my toaster wasn't waterproof...
I was shocked
I try to tell everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.
It’s all about raisin awareness.
What did the doctor say to his patient that wanted to do his own stitches? Suture self.
My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction... so I packed up my things and right.
What do vegetarian zombies say?
My interviewer asked if I could preform under pressure.
I said no, but I can do a good Bohemian Rhapsody
Horses make great neeeiighbors
Why do chicken coops only ever have two doors?
If they had four doors, they would be a chicken sedan!
I got arrested for stealing kitchen utensils...
It was worth the wisk
The Secret Service isn't allowed to yell "Get Down!" anymore if the president is in trouble... now they say "Donald Duck!"
A sandwich walks in the bar and takes a seat
Bartender says: We don't serve food here.
I often get asked how I manage to draw such prefect lines
I say it's quite straight forward.
Did you know that Captain Kirk has three ears?
A left ear, a right ear, and a final frontier.
What is black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white?
A penguin, rolling down a hill
What do you call a pencil without lead?
Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?
All of the sailors were marooned.
My old printer died today.
It was like a Brother to me.
When does a joke become a “dad” joke?
When the punchline is a parent.
Sherlock, what do they call primary school in America?
Elementary, my dear Watson
Why can’t a T-Rex clap?
Because it’s extinct.
I’m frightened of elevators
I’m taking steps to avoid them now
Two whales walk in to a bar. One of them is like, "hmhmhnnnngnbrmuh"
And the other one is like, "Man, Steve, go home. You are drunk
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