EASY NEW YEAR"S RESOLUTIONS, NYE PARTY TIPS FOR THE LESS CLASSY

NOW, REASONABLE RESOLUTIONS THAT WILL BE WAY EASIER TO KEEP THAN YOUR USUAL ONES:

-THIS YEAR I WILL SETTLE MY DIFFERENCES WITH BEARS BY MEETING THEM IN THE WOODS FOR A SERIES OF NEGOTIATIONS. MAYBE I’LL BRING SOME GROUND BEEF AS A GOODWILL GESTURE.

-THIS WILL BE THE YEAR I FINALLY OPEN UP MY PINATA ENCHILLADA RESTAURANT. A RESTAURANT WHERE ALL WE SERVE ARE PINATAS FULL OF ENCHILLADAS. I THINK I’LL CALL IT ENCHILL YADAS.

-THIS YEAR, WHEN I WATCH A VIDEO ON FACEBOOK THAT SAYS “YOU WON’T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT!”, I WILL TRY TO KEEP AN OPEN MIND. BUT IF I CAN BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED NEXT, BE READY FOR A CLASS ACTION LAWSUIT. BECAUSE THAT’S FALSE ADVERTISING.

- THIS WILL BE THE YEAR THAT I STOP TO SMELL THE ROSES. EVEN IF THEY’RE PLASTIC. BECAUSE IT’S IMPORTANT TO TAKE THE TIME TO DO THAT. PROABLY THEY’LL ALL BE PLASTICE BECAUSE I’M ALLERGIC TO ROSES.

- THIS YEAR I WILL ONCE AGAIN ATTEMPT TO BREAK THE WORLD RECORD FOR JUGGLING PORCUPINES. AND THIS YEAR I’LL BE WEARING GLOVES- SO I FEEL GOOD ABOUT IT. #LearningCurve

-THIS YEAR, I WILL RETURN MY COPY OF THE BLUES BROTHERS TO BLOCKBUSTER, WITH A CAREFULLY WRITTEN NOTE WHICH SEEMS SORRY, BUT NEVER ADMITS TO ANY WRONGDOING.

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-IF YOU’RE AT A NEW YEARS EVE PARTY AND YOU ACCIDENTALLY SPILL WINE ON THE CARPET, THE CLASSY THING TO DO IS MOVE THE FURNITURE AROUND TO COVER THE SPOT. IF YOU CAN’T DO THAT, THE BEST THING TO DO IS LEAVE THE PARTY AND NEVER TALK TO THOSE PEOPLE AGAIN. EVEN IF IT’S YOUR HOUSE. IT’S SO HARD TO GET WINE STAINS OUT.

- IF THEY KEEP ASKING YOU TO PLAY TWISTER AT YOUR NEW YEARS EVE PARTY, AND YOU DON’T WANT TO BECAUSE YOUR  PANTS ARE TOO TIGHT, OR YOU’RE GASSY, THE CLASSY MOVE IS TO GRAB THE TWISTER MAT, THROW IT INTO THE BACKYARD, AND LIGHT IT ON FIRE. THEN TAKE THE TWISTER MAT ASHES AND MAKE YOUR GUESTS EAT THEM WITH TINY COCKTAIL SPOONS. EVENTUALLY, THEY’LL GET THE IDEA AND STOP ASKING YOU TO PLAY STUFF.

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