Tuesday: Shark Week Begins in Province

I’m no Marine Biologist, but I once visited MarineLand with my family. I have also watched several episodes of television’s “Flipper”, so I consider myself an expert on SHARKS!

I have been predicting a full-scale shark invasion for years. They all laughed at me at MarineLand. Who’s laughing now, Marine Mammal Trainer Fitzpatrick!?

Need Shark Invasion Evidence?Clickity ClickShark Invasion: the proof

SHARK! Facts:

  1. SHARKS! are finned demons

  2. They are extremely cunning and have been known to disguise themselves to fool their prey. Disguises include “big nose with glasses”, “guy from SCREAM”, and “Hobo”.

  3. SHARKS! can live outside of the water for months at a time, depending on the terms of their LEASE.

  4. SHARKS! use their powerful olfactory system to smell your fear. (To them it smells like asparagus.)

  5. SHARKS! have teeth - AND EGOS- that never stop growing.

Question: But Horsman, is it safe to travel to my favourite beach this Summer?

Answer: I wouldn’t even take a bath until we know what we’re dealing with.

In closing, expect a cover-up by mainstream media, buy a bigger boat, and don’t respond to any strange friend requests on Facebook until we get this SHARKS! deal sorted out.